The past month has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I find myself reflecting and realizing just how much anxiety and self-doubt and lack of confidenceI still have and how they show up in my life. I was asked to work with two amazing authors on a special event to share our stories. Each of us has a bit of spunk, sass, and we click perfectly. We all, however, have also had some pretty big challenges in our lives that have made us who we are today. The past month has been a month of sharing and growing as we learn and grow together healing bits of our soul as we move forward.
When I wrote “The Battle” I felt great. I thought I was conquering my demons. Putting it all out there and that the relief of putting it out there would help me feel better. It did! Sometimes, when anxiety and depression are more of a hereditary in nature – it doesn’t just go away. So when I was asked to do this event – LIVE, ON STAGE, my self-confidence nose-dived, my negative ego came back with its big voice about how I won’t be good enough and my negative inner voice began to take over. All the while knowing I had to work through this. This meant – no turning back- it was time to walk the walk once again. Damn it’s hard.
The girls and I began meeting and sharing our stories and as we learned and grew with one another I am learning and laughing, so hard. All while preparing for our big event. I have so many thoughts in my head after our meetings. These amazing women have experience on stage in front of crowds. I am great one on one but the last time I tried to do something in front of others was solo ensemble in middle school. My anxiety was so bad I couldn’t sing and the poor girl next to me had to sing the whole song while I just moved my mouth.
Getting on a stage in front of others sharing my stories and insight makes me want to vomit. Writing the book felt safe. No one could see me. I could snuggle up on my couch with my dog and write away. But this is completely different. Everyone can see you if you make a mistake. Judge you or love you. This is big, guys.
I have realized I am a bit like a turtle and when I get anxious or depressed, scared or worried I retract my legs and head and sit in my shell. It hard and safe. No one can reach me in my shell. No one can hurt me in there, either. But you know what, it’s lonely. I decided to learn from these 2 women and our amazing director. To come out of my shell and share- me. Unfiltered, raw and unequivocally me. I have not done this since I was a teenager. You know what, its f-ing scary.
Here is what I have been taught. To regain and improve my confidence and prove to MYSELF that I can do this. Now, I am sharing them with you!!
As we sat outside the newsroom where I was going to talk about our event I could feel the familiar heart pounding, sweaty palms, all the voices in my head saying “what the hell are you doing.” Then I hear Lisa say. If Laura is scared, then just be someone else. She asked me what my middle name is. “Beth” I reply. Then tells me to just be BETH! She continues, “Beth is really good at interviews and doesn’t get scared at all. So Just be her.” Let me tell you I don’t know what “Beth” said during the interview but apparently, she did a great job! This advice was so valuable.
That’s it my friends. I went on the air as “Beth” apparently, she kicked ass. Being in front of people is so frightening to me but here I am going up on stage the 24th and 25th with Christy Wopat and Lisa Olson. I choose to fight. It won’t be too hard with the other three in my corner. There are going to be a lot of jokes and laughing. If you see me pause, I am thinking, “What would I do if I knew what to do!”
Come and join us at the Pump House!
October 24th or 25th. 6:00 PM door open. Music by Joe Gantzer.
Be there or be square ?
ABOUT LAURALaura's passion in life is to help women live a life they love instead of by default. Her passion began as a nurse. She continues to be a nurse in the cardiac cath lab while coaching women to their greatest potential. In her spare time Laura loves being outside.